Cleaning a bit the heart but it will take a while

Berkeley, Sunday March 26, 2023 7:29 PM

My hurt needs a little bit of fire back, as well of my brain, and other part of my body of course.

However, I should continue writing a little bit more about stuckness, bit of regrets, self-disappointment, but also about own expectations.

As everything needs a clear structure and goals I might start writing from there.

The times of complaining and being worried about hitting my head against a concrete beam are over, a year ago a barricade felt on me near by the same spot. I might have nothing from those.

Times about complaining about some noise at my living room, which makes extremely hard to focus and to write while I am sitting here in this desk, while listening a TV or music or a guitar from the other side of the wall, unaccessible to me, are also over. I’ve been doing the same. And have set up a table next to my bed, where I do not heard the same noise, so it is up to me.

Times complaining about a fan from downstairs, which was somehow clear to hear around 4 am everyday, which ended up waking me when I moved in, are also over. As long I have a productive day, as long as I have exercised during a day, it is unlikely I wake up with any noise, until I get fairly good sleep, depending on the responsibilities in the next day. But most likely my brain just got used to it.

Times complaining about the infiltration of a extremely power floodlight through my window, installed by the building managers are over. I have put so many layers to blackout the light.

Times complaining about cold temperature in the apartment and bedroom are over. Of course my PG&E bill is a bit more expensive but I actually manage it strategically. While the apartment is not well insulated. It has good. And it keeps some heat. So it is warmer overtime.

Times complaining about others. Unlikely to be much of my case, but assuming full responsibility of my actions, and leaving to God’s Will the rest.

I currently must run every other day to rehabilitate myself from my right achilles tendon rupture and surgery. I got distracted from exercising with my recent COVID isolation, where I “discovered” this thing called twitch. So I watched a tournament named Kings League in there, which final was today.

So many hours invested on that. Entertained, but it is not good to any brain and body to stare to a screen… etc. Though my own research is only at screens.

Of course with that I have increased about 8 pounds from my pre-COVID weight, too bad. Hopefully not terrible bad, at least that is a sign, that it was not other illness.

I keep reading and praying when I can. If I were more organized I do at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day.

I am about to finish my morning and evening books, which are about Screwtape Letters by Lewis and Chinook Salmon by Montgomery, respectively, and not exact titles. The third book, it might be a life long in reruns, I am not sure if Iam in my second or third rerun, but I hope to keep the habit. I am on page 411.

I reduced the newspaper reading to two local newspapers, which often pile up. I try to read digitally other for more national and global scales. Though I believe that the New York Times and Science magazine had had a good influence on me. I might re-enroll to the print version of those.

I keep cooking for my three meals, and playing the guitar once in a while.

Signed for a dating app, that might be a unnecessary use of time, because one does not necessary fish knowing the fish gaze, reactions, and even if the fish is in there.

Complains about having to carry my bike a couple of floors in my building because of the lack of bike infrastructure and because of a neighbor trying to capture a small space which can be use for that purpose alternatively rather than individually are fairly gone, though getting some hate back, unnecessarily I would say. A not enjoyable situation, because I would rather prefer to enjoy my relationship with my neighbors. But at least I do not carry a heavy heart to any of them. Clear rules are better, and following them as well. I guest I rather just need to focus on what I do, and not get frustrated by other actions or inactions, which I have mainly done in a seventy percent or higher.

I have decreased a bit my enthusiasm of buying some grocery and fish with a focus on the place and background. It might have been those screen distractions, which really disconnects one from life.

I must improve on cleaning and organizing my place and my bedroom.

And of course, really improve my daily sleeping and waking up time. As well as my daily writing but actually on my dissertation. Too much avoidance, which could transmit on doing other stuff, which later one regret, not only for the time.