Confusion

Berkeley, Tuesday, March 21, 2023 7:37 PM

It’s been a rainy day in Berkeley, which is fantastic. I woke up naturally at 6:34 am, but somehow stayed on the bed, and unnecessarily felt asleep again, waking up at 11 am then.

That is a terrible of start of the day, but I was on peace still.

Cooked for lunch and dinner, and had what would rather be brunch. Coughed, which was odd, because it has been 17 days since I got COVID, but I guess I must be careful with my lungs. They will get great.

I then prayed, read the newspapers, read a couple of pages on two books I am reading, made the bed, searching something about my next books online, made the bed, packed lunch/dinner and went to campus. What a late start.

At 3.30 pm I had a large evaluation meeting, where I rather contributed little. It is important to know which kind of things contribute.

I won’t go into details, and rather I’m thinking on closing again this page, which I won’t do it, because at the end any writing is a good break to keep the brain on going instead of other distractions while one is in front the computer.

Of course hiking or doing other duties are much better. I now remember my fall 2008 year, when I wanted to focused for about 90 minutes in one activity, then switch to another, then exercise, met my girlfriend, etc. Of course things change when one is employed or when there are deadlines or when one has frustrations, the later is true, is spiral, but how to battle it.

There are some conversations, which has happened recently, with one singular, which are interesting, but often breaks my thought process. However, all the pressure, actions, activities, oversharing, which might be wrong, but could be away of transparency, and the little social contact has kept me in those interactions, plus generosity as well.

However, they do break my thought process. And I can end up with no logical thoughts in conversation later.

I believe that some of the controls are… I just made a pause, read an article, and as a result of that bought two books. It might be a useful anxiety, which is also very silly as well.

How could I move forward?

Well a big first question is to accept and to make clear and transparent all my recent mistakes.

While I have lived, since late March 2022 some lows and some good, clear heartfelt hype experiences. I have also lived a shady one. And others which might be hard to share.

I am sure everyone could say no one is perfect, but i have found, and of course multiple times, the busier the life is, the better. Of course. But also the most public and transparent ones life is, it is the better.

Then come the part of not being afraid, rather than fleeing away, which could result on either dangerous behavior, isolation, or regrets. Transparent does not necessarily means living a correct life to some way of life. It means, defining that way of life, which I think is clear to anyone, and actually taking action on it. It of course became muddy because of all the complexities and problems that could generate living fully. I know that from plenty of experiences. But it is a much better one, than being so called domesticated, thought is more about brain domesticated, and so actions, etc.

Those are of course some reflection and encouragement words. Where should I write every detail? I, think, I should rather probably just live and do my jobs. Then, the pragmatism beats theory. But nothing can beat the moral campus, and one can rather motivationally burnout. It is good to think each step than one takes.